K-Roll's Depression Log: Medicating Medication

"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
10/27/2016 at 12:32 • Filed to: K-Roll

I am starting to have difficulties handling problems that should be considered a “simple part of life that everyone goes through” again. When I first started taking Lexapro, I could handle problems and treat them like nothing. Now, even with a higher dosage than what I started with in January, things are starting to feel like how they were before January.

Example: yesterday I asked a girl if she liked me more than a friend, me just assuming and because I was wrong, made an ass out of myself. Of course she didn’t. If I felt like I did when I started my medication I would’ve said “whatever your loss and your missing out” or something like that. Now, it’s effectively numbed me from feeling anything else and wishing to not have an emotions or feelings anymore because part of me feels as though they are a hindrance and holding me back and that I would much rather be Vulcan than human.

I also lashed out and had what was described as a “temper tantrum” at some people. I am no good at regulating emotional outbursts. I always refrain from them and keep any problems/pain and the lot inside, but eventually if I am stressed enough it just sort of melts down and explodes like a reactor meltdown...Kinda like this

Even if I told my parents/doctor, I’m not sure they would believe me.

So that’s happening now. At least I am not wishing death upon myself this time.

DISCUSSION (35)

mazda616 > K-Roll-PorscheTamer
10/27/2016 at 12:34

Just discuss it with your parents and/or your doctor, even if you don’t feel like it’ll help. I’m on Lexapro and have been since 2004. I have periodically had to have my dosage upped and reduced based on circumstances and my anxiety. It happens!

BeaterGT > K-Roll-PorscheTamer
10/27/2016 at 12:36

Try not to make girls the basis of your emotions. That’s a tough road to go down.

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > K-Roll-PorscheTamer
10/27/2016 at 12:38

I’m with mazda. If you’re not comfortable discussing it with your parents talk to your doctor about it directly. You’re over the age of 18 you can go to the Doc directly if you don’t want to loop in the ‘rents. I promise you your doctor wants to know if you don’t think your medication is doing it’s job. They’ll come up with another solution.

CB > K-Roll-PorscheTamer
10/27/2016 at 12:39

Just as a question, are you seeing a psychiatrist or a social worker as well? I found those resources super helpful when I was dealing with my issues.

This may not be for you, but my mum found that religion greatly helps her out. And I’m considering going to try meditation to help out. Those could be alternate avenues as well.

Keep at it, bud. You’ve come a long way, and when you fall off the horse a bit, all you can do is get back on it. We’re here for you.

Nibby > K-Roll-PorscheTamer
10/27/2016 at 12:42

I mean this in the best way possible but you should really talk to a therapist weekly. I’ve done it in the past, my sister has some issues right now and she talks to one and it helps her immensely.

It’s hard to contain bottled up emotions, especially when it is years of rejection, frustration, and loneliness. It’s ugly and aggravating when you have dealt with it for so long but you gotta find a positive way to fight through it because you’re far too young to let this kind of stuff consume you.

Shamoononon drives like a farmer > K-Roll-PorscheTamer
10/27/2016 at 12:45

This sounds sort of normal, but I would, like others mentioned, speak to someone who knows you and your medications. An effect of some of these medications are emotional numbness too (sure, you’re not super sad, but you’re also not jumping for joy).

Lumpy44, Proprietor Of Fine Gif > K-Roll-PorscheTamer
10/27/2016 at 12:46

Talking to people is the #1 thing you can do, also agree with EarlZ big time.

and 100 more > K-Roll-PorscheTamer
10/27/2016 at 12:50

I’ll be honest, in the scenario you described with the girl you liked... I don’t think your reaction was out of line with what anyone “normal” would experience. Disappointment and sadness are normal... if you’re happy and confident all the time , there’s something wrong.

And wanting to be numb is not all that hard to ration either. In a sense, you have a valid motivation to avoid sadness, so feeling sad might feel like failure when it happens. But it’s not! Sadness happens... what happens because of the sadness is where the depression makes itself known.

I mean, I assume that what you felt cut far deeper than you’re letting on in this post. And I don’t mean to diminish your suffering at all... in fact, I’m saying you should embrace the fact that you CAN feel something and it DOESN’T lead you down the darker paths of your mind, and understand that you are actually seeing progress in that sense.

It’s when the sadness consumes you, and you spend a week or more buried in it, and you can’t NOT think of it, that you have to start wondering if the drugs are working or not.

Think of it this way - you’ve been sick for a week, your head is congested, and you can’t taste a fucking thing. Finally, one morning you go grab a cup of coffee, and lo and behold, you can actually taste it again. It’s amazing for a few seconds, and you realize that it’s still a strong bitterness that you are experiencing. The progress is in the sense that you CAN taste it, bitter or otherwise.

I haven’t seen your latest YT posts, but your stuff continues to be awesome! I really enjoyed your dyno video of the Stang, and I hope to see more, man! Keep it up, bro!

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > CB
10/27/2016 at 12:50

I am seeing a psychiatrist weekly, yes. Religion would be a no from me, because there is no proof of any higher power of any kind, so I have no reason to believe one exists. My dad tries to make me go to church when I do not want to. It is not for me to believe in something that has no proof or evidence.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Nibby
10/27/2016 at 12:51

I do talk to a psychiatrist weekly. I did not think there was a legal or designated age when I should let this consume me.

CB > K-Roll-PorscheTamer
10/27/2016 at 12:52

Fair enough, figured it was worth asking. Part of any clubs, then?

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner
10/27/2016 at 12:52

It is kinda of difficult when your doctor who has been your doctor since you were born is also a family friend. It is awkward and stressing.

Nibby > K-Roll-PorscheTamer
10/27/2016 at 12:54

There is, the age is 160 years old.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > CB
10/27/2016 at 12:54

No clubs. And not many regular friends anymore. I just came to the realization that my best friend who has been so since 4th grade and goes to the same college as me is so busy with his life just like everyone else is that he has no time for me and I do not have a best friend any more.

CB > K-Roll-PorscheTamer
10/27/2016 at 12:55

Hey, you’ll get it sorted. Does your school have an FSAE team you could take part in?

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Lumpy44, Proprietor Of Fine Gif
10/27/2016 at 12:56

That is the most impossible thing for me to do

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > CB
10/27/2016 at 12:58

The girl I was interested in is on the formula hybrid team....I do not know if I should even consider formula or baja or hybrid now. Everyone there also appears to be much smarter than me.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Nibby
10/27/2016 at 12:58

I do not think anyone will live that long

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > K-Roll-PorscheTamer
10/27/2016 at 13:00

Have you signed HIPA forms giving him permission to discuss your medical situation with your parents? Because if not all you have to do is tell the doctor you want it kept between you 2 it’s actually illegal for him to tell your parents, family friend or otherwise.

I’m not encouraging you to keep secrets from your parents, but if you’re not comfortable talking to them, you need to talk to the doc directly. We don’t need you falling down a dark hole again my friend.

CB > K-Roll-PorscheTamer
10/27/2016 at 13:01

Gotcha. But give yourself some credit. Straight up being “smarter” than other people isn’t everything. You work on your cars and you know a thing or two about wrenching. You’ve got more to give than I think you realize.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner
10/27/2016 at 13:03

I keep everything from everyone because what usually happens is that when I tell someone something I am usually in the wrong and I do something stupid and mess up and people get mad at me and tell me to have a good day and leave me alone. I am not comfortable talking to anyone. Or maybe I am until it goes wrong.

The Lurktastic Opponaught > K-Roll-PorscheTamer
10/27/2016 at 13:12

As someone who dealt with significant issues following a head injury many, many years ago, I want to add my voice to the chorus: speak to a doctor.

If not your PCP, then call your health insurer and request a list (or find it on their website) of local mental health specialists. Your PCP is a good place to start, but if your symptoms are treatment-refractory, speaking to a specialist may be the next logical step for you.

I know it’s hard. We’re here if you need us.

Leon711 > K-Roll-PorscheTamer
10/27/2016 at 13:29

Hey, off topic slightly but, sometimes it’s nice be distracted. Back when I was at university we used to run a Formula Renault in some club racing over here in the UK and Formula Hybrid organisers used to respond to every single tweet we put out. They wanted us to come over to the US to take part, but we were too small, we didn’t have enough enough student to do Formula Student (European equivalent of FSAE).

On Topic, I can’t pretend to fully comprehend what you are going through, I have made an ass of myself to potential partners too. It can really take a toll on your confidence. One thing that I’ve found is that running helps me when I feel frustrated or angry, just run it out. I‘m not a good runner but it doesn’t matter, the mental/physical challenge is very rewarding. It’s also a good way to meet people, but you don’t have to see these people again necessarily, which is good if you just aren’t feeling it, take it one step at a time. You can even spin it into something better for others too, I ran my first 10k race back in June raising money for a local hospice that specialises in end of life care.

I know it’s hard, but it won’t always be this way.

Snuze: Needs another Swede > K-Roll-PorscheTamer
10/27/2016 at 13:30

I’ll second CB’s advice on 2 levels. First, doing something social, like a club or Formula, etc., is good. It gets you out there, helps you meet people on common ground and form new friendships. I’m still great friends with most of my formula crew and see them regularly, and that was several years ago for me.

Also, if you can wrench already, you can contribute a lot, more than you realize. I kind of figured everyone in there would be a hyper car nerd and could wrench all day long, but you’d be surprised how diverse a group it is in terms of skill level and car knowledge. There were a lot of people who were way smarter than me (I was a pretty average engineering student) and still are, like, I still don’t know shit about car suspensions. But I knew engines, I could turn a wrench, and I had a strong electrical background. I ended up solving a bunch of problems with starting our car - it wouldn’t reliably turn over and light off, so they kept throwing parts at it and tried rigging up stuff like a 12/24V switch to over-run the starter (which ended up burning up a few starter motors and eating a couple starter clutches). I applied my knowledge and ended up figuring out a perfect fix (involved machining down the flywheel, press-fitting a new, custom designed trigger wheel to it, and adjusting some sensors, and re-tuning the ECU). The point is, I was by no means the smartest guy in the club, but I had the right knowledge at the right time.

Anyways, I know it’s been said before, but Oppo is here for you.

AuthiCooper1300 > K-Roll-PorscheTamer
10/27/2016 at 13:44

What you describe sounds exactly like typical side-effects of SSRIs, in particular the bursts of irrepressible anger and such, coupled (rather paradoxically) with “emotional numbness”.

Try a therapist. Do try to see a therapist. But look for one (or try to find one) who has a more eclectic view of how to deal with these things; meaning, someone who is not certain that everything can be fixed with medication – while at the same time admitting medication might be of help in certain acute/chronic cases.

It may not be easy to find such an open-minded professional with that balanced outlook on what a proper treatment is.

Therapists who also happen to be pill-prescribing psychiatrists may have a biased view in favour of “with drugs you’ll be just fine”. Maybe in some cases, maybe in most cases – certainly not in all of them.

Whilst you may suffer from some depression-inducing chemical imbalance that can (perhaps) be fixed with the usual pills etc, you may also have some inner issues or conflicts (personality, relationship with others, family, whatever) which need addressing separately. With therapy, that is.

By the way - talking about your issues is always better than not doing so. Which does not mean that you can discuss them with just about anybody, but at least you’ll be able to steam off or decompress more easily if you try. Repressing/ignoring your need to communicate can only make things worse.

Also: physical exercise (the tiring kind) will help you. Ask your doc first if you are fit to run or swim long distances etc.

Good luck.

Jonee > K-Roll-PorscheTamer
10/27/2016 at 14:02

Well, that’s a huge issue. Is this your psychiatrist? You should absolutely see if you can get someone else. Especially if it’s a source of anxiety and stress. I should talk. My shrink is actually a distant relative, but I know I can trust him. I think it’s also good to change therapists every few years. A new perspective on your issues could be a revelation. I’m on Lexapro, too. I find it raises my mood, which is a good thing, but regulating my anxiety and emotions is still on me. It’s a never ending process that can be exhausting at times, but as long as I keep giving myself reasons to get up the next morning, I’m ok.

Nibby > K-Roll-PorscheTamer
10/27/2016 at 14:06

That’s the point.

Reading off some of your replies, about your friend from childhood who is busy with his own stuff... I would be filthy rich if I counted how many people I’ve had the same situation with.

It’s always a struggle to let go a little bit and realize people change or are not what you thought they were... also helps to know (you probably know this already) everyone’s got their own battles going on in their head. You keep a lot of stuff to yourself; as does everyone else. Life’s a different experience for everyone and sharing your positive experiences with others would help.

I’m in a bit of the same boat where I am not so religious and don’t care for clubs, etc. My coworkers are mostly around my age but I don’t drink and they mostly just like getting hammered.

It’s a lot harder to make friends after college... Not trying to discourage you but rather think about the people who have positively influenced you and make an effort to see you, spend time with you, or reach out to you.

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > K-Roll-PorscheTamer
10/27/2016 at 14:23

you should see if your doctor has an online patient portal. Ours does and you can send messages directly to them without interacting with a person on the phone or in person. If they have something like that it may be a great option for you.

If your parents are saying you’re in the wrong or that you messed up when you’re asking to reconsider your medication (possibly upping dosage, whatever) then they’re the ones in the wrong man.

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > K-Roll-PorscheTamer
10/27/2016 at 14:26

I almost joined Baja at MSU when i was there.....I should’ve done it that thing was so fun.

StndIbnz, Drives a MSRT8 > K-Roll-PorscheTamer
10/27/2016 at 14:52

Join FSAE, LTU needs some more good people to get their car going! Unless they are better than they were 5-6 years ago when I went to OU and they were a joke. Damn turbo cars.

At any rate, its a nice place to go work and have fun. Plus driving the cars is a very good adrenaline rush.

pauljones > BeaterGT
10/27/2016 at 14:57

If there is one piece of advice I’d give to the young guys of Oppositelock, it’s this.

Too many try to base there self-worth on what a young woman their age thinks of them, and in the process chase themselves so far down a rabbit hole that it not only distorts their views of women, but of themselves as well.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Jonee
10/27/2016 at 15:00

It is my friends, some of them

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > K-Roll-PorscheTamer
10/27/2016 at 15:35

I recently upped my meds and had a good turn followed by horrific crash. Your body gets used to them I guess. Ill probably try a different dose when im reassessed shortly.

BeaterGT > pauljones
10/27/2016 at 16:18

Can’t agree enough, but a good deal will learn through experience.

Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever > K-Roll-PorscheTamer
10/27/2016 at 17:50

A couple of notes/what I would do:

The girl isn’t interested, nothing’s gonna change that. Move on to the next one. Don’t see any others? Join new groups and put yourself in new places.

The same with old friends. It’s nobody’s fault that your friend is busy. He will go through his tough times just as you do. Fill the void with new friends in the meantime, but be sure to check on the old buddy like the good friend you are!

Oh, and a doctor is the last person you want to hide something from...please tell him everything so he can do his job! He has a legal responsibility to respect your boundaries, so tell him to leave the parental reporting to you.